Official joke of the day thread

mrvette said:
It's A Smart Wife Who........
.....knows and understands her husband.

Early one morning an elderly Navy veteran yelled to his wife,

"Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama
depicting the 50 years of the assorted presidential Administrations!"

She yelled back,

"Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast." :crap:
Click to expand...

There fixed it....:yahoo:
 
Most are new to me and all are great!

TIMELESS SPORTS QUOTES FROM SOME FORMER PROS YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD


"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were
losing on the road. My failure as a coach was
that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach


"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver


"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can die just after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer


"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher


"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver


"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda ,LA Dodgers manager

"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations


"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor


"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery


"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers


"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to
The Atlanta Falcons

"He can take his'n and beat yourn, or he can take yourn and beat his'n."
- Bum Phillips comment about the coaching ability of Don Shula, head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher


"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner


"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage
Ceremony was before noon.


"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach


"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game


"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting


"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, PortlandTrial Blazers

"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team
Roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.


"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
 
Oatmeal Topping.
A tough old cattleman from Texas counseled his granddaughter
that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle
a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, then she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25
great-great-grandchildren, and a friggin
40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
There is hope for us yet but please do not tell the young people.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!!!!

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much....

By Sarah Knapton, Science Correspondent

Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time . “The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!! We Are All Brilliant!
And we get much more exercise inside the house than the younger folks,,,,,
some of us on purpose,


That's my story and I'm sticking to it
 
A MORALITY TEST.

Read to the end before making a judgment.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will
have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest and spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


* THE SITUATION *

You are in London. There is chaos all around you, caused by a storm
with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature
is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


* THE TEST *

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer. Somehow, the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed bastard
who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have TWO options:

You can save the life of Abu

or

You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men.

*THE QUESTION*

AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER

Would you select high contrast colour film, high density full colour
digital or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and
white?
 
Lawyers and Fine Art


The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed!

You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”
 
News Flash - Obama Converts to Judaism
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies, today President Obama announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity to and empathy with the Israeli people.

Authorities have been unable to handle the millions of applicants who have volunteered to perform the circumcision.
:p
 
ADVICE FROM A CONSIDERATE HUSBAND...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I get, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and to just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get in. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner..
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any as it would help keep the weight off. I like to think tact is one of my strong points...
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too...
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other..
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his arse, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. :crap:
 
Dead Penguins.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"


I’m sorry, an urge came over me that made me post this :evil:
 
Pelosi sues hospital
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight." :gurney:
 
SAFE AT HOME

I've torn out my alarm system and took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden,
one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The Sheriff, Highway Patrol, FBI, CIA, FDLE, Homeland Security,
and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
 
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking
through my next door neighbour's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed.

Carol, my lovely wife said, "Warren, you're shaking, what is it?

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son of a bitch next door still has
my shovel."
 
HOLY MOLY!!!
I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Las Vegas Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!
 
wise person once said.....

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


AND


5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit... A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney’s Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns".

"But we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."


When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Leader Tony Abbott said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.":hunter:
 
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring bkingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.




OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....









If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly..
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,


"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...


"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.



She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,


"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

“FOR... THE... LAST... TIME.......”



"BRING POSSE"
:lol:
 
Doug Mitchell is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.




His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.




He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:




My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."




The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Mitchell, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".



Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the jerk had a paper route!"
 
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
 
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