Official joke of the day thread

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management I just need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a short vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW!!

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.
 
Sister Maryellen entered the Monastery of silence The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome hereas long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.

Sister Maryellen lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Maryellen, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Maryellen said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Maryellen was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Maryellen.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Maryellen, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Maryellen in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
 
ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to
bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful
women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay,
Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The
one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How
did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her
 
PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence , Kansas, NOVEMBER 12, 2014.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called

and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,

her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.
 
High School Graduation In Detroit....

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running
Back, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits but he was a great
Football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal
Give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal
Agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a
Diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students
Packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the
Stage and told Dwayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his
Hand and said, "Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll
Give you your diploma."

Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question.
"Dwayne," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just
Pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him
Anyway!" "Graduate him anyway!"

Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I
Think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another
Chant. "Give him another chance!" "Give him another chance!"
 
DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Why Some Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

These need no explanations . . .


WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye
 
BangkokDean said:
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye
Click to expand...

He missed the next 6 games.....and had to retire.....:shocking:
 
50 years together.....

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.



"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."


"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."


Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."


Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."


After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"


"Yep", said the father,
"Cheap ones too..."
 
mrvette said:
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.



"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."


"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."


Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."


Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."


After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"


"Yep", said the father,
"Cheap ones too..."
Click to expand...

Good one!
 
5 parrots



Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
 
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away,
and now today you expect me to show it to you?'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger,
pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”
 
The Jewish Bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra,
and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to.
​
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra ​ keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills".
 
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, "I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first." :ill::censored:
 
A Hooded Robber Burst Into A Wisconsin Bank
And Forced The Tellers To Load A Sack Full Of
Cash.

On His Way Out The Door, A Brave Minnesota
Customer Grabbed The Hood And Pulled It Off,
Revealing The Robber's Face.

The Robber Shot The Customer Without A Moment Hesitation.

He Then Looked Around The Bank And Noticed
One Of The Tellers Looking Straight At Him.
The Robber Instantly Shot Him Also.

Everyone In The Bank, By Now Very
Scared, Looked Intently Down At The Floor In Silence.
The Robber Yelled, "well, Did Anyone Else See My
Face?"

There Are A Few Moments Of Utter Silence In Which Everyone
Was Plainly Too Afraid To Speak

Then, One Old Norwegian Named Ole' From Minnesota
Tentatively Raised His Hand And Said,
"my Wife Got A Pretty Good Look At You
 
JPhil said:
Golly, does this mean the joke thread has finally come full circle?
Click to expand...

With probably over 1000 jokes posted, hard to imagine that there wouldn't be some dupes. I still read every new one posted though, even after all these years.
 
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred
Isis "S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.




Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them.
 
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