Official joke of the day thread

BIBLICAL STORY

A beautiful blonde woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.
Men will never learn...
 
Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
 
SARCASM AT ITS BEST

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with
a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out.

About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men
came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

adf754b9cec9c8a7804c1ec79737acef.jpg
 
Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about .Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
 
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.




The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.




The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.




The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"




The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.




So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?!




Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.




The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"




The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.




When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"




The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,




"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
 
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.


Mary agreed to go.


While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."


Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly
out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.


The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
 
Military Rules...


Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot..

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing in sight.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers' Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.

( And I Love This Next One.....or why I joined the Navy LOL)

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!
 
A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


And whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird  , who was Blue Bird's  cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't  die!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows ... You can't kill Two Birds with one stone
 
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AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert
advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop
pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my
tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell
myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember
it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now
it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible
to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can
muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the
dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them
on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than
please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.
 
This Pope pays attention to everything and everyone large and small.
I bet he was just looking for her cross.

Hmmmm…Madre Maria!
omg_540.jpg
 
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so
were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other
side.
 
Natch I can't find it, but was a funny pix on the net recently, the Ark sailing away and two dinosaurs on a stone, with the caption.....Oh, that was TODAY??? blend in with the above.....


:lol:
 
Subject: Building Permit

Well, with nothing much else to do, I applied for a "Building Permit",
to remodel my house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets
at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars.

I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

When it went before City Council they told me; "Forget about it...IT
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts next Monday and here is the best part - it's going to be tax exempt!

I love my country. It's this government that scares the living crap out of me.
 
Today's weighty thoughts


The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.


My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.


I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"


I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?


Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.


The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the s --- storm that's coming.


Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!


The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor."


I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.


What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
 
Gone+fishing+gone+fishing+a+man+who+loved+the_570b58_4981976.jpg


A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”:fishing:
 
The Marriage License Office Clerk



Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?", said the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"------------
..Don't laugh, it's just a matter of time .
Or, coming in the not to distant future,
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"Joe Smith and Fido."
 
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