Official joke of the day thread

Confession & the Minister



CONFESSION

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister.

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home.

My wife died a year ago." ha ha
 
I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP

Read until the end ... You'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is UP .' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP ) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? � We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP ..

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with ( UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now . . . My time is UP !

Oh . . . One more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P !


Did that one crack you UP ?
 
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Has he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
 
Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Think logically before you track down for the answer.

















































































































































Quietly get off the merry-go-round and go home!:rofl:
 
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LEMON SQUEEZER


At a local bar in downtown Courtenay....

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron..

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried,.....over the years:

weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,

wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it......

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon. and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for Internal Revenue Department."
 
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought a cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
Then, thinking ahead, they bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to accomplish his mission.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the rear, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she turns away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by any chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
 
An interesting letter to his mother from a boy scout who is away on camp


Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now.
We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
 
INVENTION OF THE CAR BACK-UP SENSOR

Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.

His invention was simple and effective. Scroll down to see a photo of his Back-Up Sensor. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.









CB2fyZDW4AEm_4c.jpg
 
US Army rescues 47 sex slaves from ISIS!!!

b068484fba1ffec39bd5929678787ea8.jpg
 
While a man is wandering around the supermarket, he notices a stunningly beautiful blonde waving at him.
He's rather taken a back because he can't recall where he knows her from.
So he says "Do you know me ?"
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says "My God, are you the stripper at my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies cheering me on ?"

"No, I am your son's math teacher."
 
Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers!

What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt,
and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Donald Trump
 
A ageing bald white haired man, walked into a jewelry shop in the local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much-younger, girl at his side

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only £26,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only £25 in your account.'

'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my great weekend!...'
 
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..



Only in America ....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
If only everyone understood this.


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the
unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with
those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those
who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are
no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would
count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you
don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%.
Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are
two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop
looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down,
and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Politician.
 
According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, a country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc...

And yet he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine

That’s what I call a miracle!!!:goodnight:
 
Subject: Moshi Moshi (hello in Japanese)


JAPANESE SEX:

A Japanese couple is in their bedroom and arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: “Sukitaki! Mojitaka! “

Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa! “

Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! “

Wife, on her knees, literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! “

Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji! “

I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t even know a word of Japanese ! ! ! You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex... You all need serious help! ! Sometimes I worry about you all ! !
 
Hi, Seniors (& other non-Facebook users) - For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why
Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same
principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby
what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night
before, what I will do later, and with whom I give them pictures of my family,
my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the
lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and
doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell
them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have six people following me:
two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist with two men
in white coats.
 
z15268875Q,Zycie-wcale-nie-konczy-sie-po-40-tce.jpg

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
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