BangkokDean
Well-known member
Great:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:
Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
Great:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
The priest at the church offered advice to a woman about pious behavior. He told her that she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to go to heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
The priest met the woman a week later and asked if she was behaving in a pious manner.
"Two out of three" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking. However, when I bent over to get some stuff out of the lower freezer shelf, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs and pulled up my skirt, pulled down my panties and then indulged in a quick bout of sex with me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said the priest sternly.
The woman replied, "They were not too happy about it at Woolworths either!"
The woman said she would try her best.
The priest met the woman a week later and asked if she was behaving in a pious manner.
"Two out of three" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking. However, when I bent over to get some stuff out of the lower freezer shelf, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs and pulled up my skirt, pulled down my panties and then indulged in a quick bout of sex with me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said the priest sternly.
The woman replied, "They were not too happy about it at Woolworths either!"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't.":clap:
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't.":clap:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - howto carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much,"he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, " I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. how do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint,two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - howto carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much,"he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, " I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. how do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint,two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Catholic Horse Racing
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing . The Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he confronted the priest, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish".
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and
The last rites.”
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing . The Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he confronted the priest, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish".
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and
The last rites.”
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Amazing how your values change as you age!
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Golfers are a cultured lot . . .
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded
to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said-
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded
to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said-
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
BangkokDean
Well-known member
DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Roy had a date with Mags
He arrived at her house and rang the bell...
'Oh, come on in!' Mags mother said as she welcomed Roy
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' Roy said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Mags planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Mags likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Roy gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Roy, incredulously.
'Oh yes,'she said.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' Roy said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Mags came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Roy.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Mags burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the ......... Twist!’
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Roy had a date with Mags
He arrived at her house and rang the bell...
'Oh, come on in!' Mags mother said as she welcomed Roy
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' Roy said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Mags planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Mags likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Roy gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Roy, incredulously.
'Oh yes,'she said.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' Roy said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Mags came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Roy.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Mags burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the ......... Twist!’
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A twin-engine plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?" Silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said,
"Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black?" Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes son but for the purpose of this exercise we is editededitededitededitededitedediteds, we come right after the Muslims".
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?" Silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said,
"Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black?" Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes son but for the purpose of this exercise we is editededitededitededitededitedediteds, we come right after the Muslims".
BangkokDean
Well-known member
SuperBuickGuy
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END WHEN WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Store.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacy counter is located,
took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both on the counter.
The pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said "yes, could you please taste this for me?"
Being that I am a senior citizen, I guess the pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished making all those weird faces, I looked him in right in the eyes and asked,
"Now,does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back & forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO!"
So I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS but I really don't care though because they aren't very friendly there anyway!
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Store.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacy counter is located,
took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both on the counter.
The pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said "yes, could you please taste this for me?"
Being that I am a senior citizen, I guess the pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished making all those weird faces, I looked him in right in the eyes and asked,
"Now,does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back & forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO!"
So I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS but I really don't care though because they aren't very friendly there anyway!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
AIR FORCE ONE RETURNING FROM CUBA...:clap:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.bs2ehl
You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go .. .
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes .. . Really just one
big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce .. . And cheese .. . FINE,
it was a pizza .. . I ate a pizza …
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web .. .
I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours
and 20 minutes .. .
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it .. .
Kids today don't know how easy they have it .. . w hen I was young, I
had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel .. .
Senility has been a smooth transition for me .. .
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out
they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented
… I forgot where I was going with this .. .
I love being over 50 … I learn something new every day … and forget
5 others .. .
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for
money … so I woke up and searched with him .. .
My dentist told me I need a crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over
rocks” …
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call
it a day .. .
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 begins Daylight Savings Time … Don't forget
to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night .. .
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes .. . Really just one
big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce .. . And cheese .. . FINE,
it was a pizza .. . I ate a pizza …
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web .. .
I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours
and 20 minutes .. .
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it .. .
Kids today don't know how easy they have it .. . w hen I was young, I
had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel .. .
Senility has been a smooth transition for me .. .
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out
they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented
… I forgot where I was going with this .. .
I love being over 50 … I learn something new every day … and forget
5 others .. .
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for
money … so I woke up and searched with him .. .
My dentist told me I need a crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over
rocks” …
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call
it a day .. .
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 begins Daylight Savings Time … Don't forget
to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night .. .
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Ralph & Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead.'
Edna
replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead.'
Edna
replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'
