Official joke of the day thread

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids, what do they need at home?
1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response

Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure.
When my sister started dating a Muslim,
I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."
 
When you are over seventy...
When you are over seventy...
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches..but, when you’re over seventy................who cares?



Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Lady Cashier: She threw everything on the counter at me until I left
When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but when you’re over seventy................who cares?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
 
Feeding the birds in Ecuador
zabavne-uzbudljive-i-prekrasne-20-brilijantnih-fotografija-koje-su-obiljezile-2015_1449167842_11.jpg


So much emotion in just one photo!
image
 
5662b0e43c650.jpg
A World Health Organisation (based in Geneva, Switzerland) study shows that eating ham and salami while drinking a glass of good wine
at each meal reduced the risk of becoming an Islamic Terrorist by exactly 100%.
 
Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
A
Now you know why some people are where they are!


I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..
how true it is. :crylol:
 
Gynecologist's Assistant:

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Los Angeles and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to San Francisco.

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.
 
Sheffield Police today stopped a car driven by a Pakistani.
Constables were amazed to find the car was taxed, insured, not stolen and carried no bombs or weapons.
The car wasn't an illegal taxi and the driver wasn't pissed or stoned, but had a full valid driving licence with no points.
A police spokesman said, the constables had no choice but to fine Abdul £80 for wasting Police time.:goodnight:
 
A Pilot Father's Love

Most people today think it improper to discipline children.

So I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective Is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.









sarah-palin-nude-120403.jpg

Should work with grandkids too.
 
The Talking Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet.

“I don’t want a cat or a dog I want something different!” Specifies the man.

The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50.

Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box.

When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says:

“hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks “I’ll give it half an hour then ask it again”.

30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself “ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn’t talk to me then I’m taking it back!”

30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

The Centipede replied “I heard you the first blooming time! I’m putting my shoes on!”
 
Definition of "aplomb"
For my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly. His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee? THAT, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.” :p
 
SENIOR DRIVER


My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." (That's what my Aunt Irene said.)

He asked "How do you know?"

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him, yes and handed it to him."

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.'

So I thanked him and left!
 
• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .


• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
 
HISTORICAL FACT

Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago
and they still don't have any Mexicans.
 
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