Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Rare Blood Type !
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have
some of his blood type stored
in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located
who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing,
the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman
a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and$100,000 US dollars
in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later,
the Arab had to undergo
a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who this time was more than happy
to donate his blood.
After the second surgery,
the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked
that the Arab did not reciprocate
his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that -
last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money,
but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card
and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "
Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have
some of his blood type stored
in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located
who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing,
the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman
a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and$100,000 US dollars
in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later,
the Arab had to undergo
a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who this time was more than happy
to donate his blood.
After the second surgery,
the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked
that the Arab did not reciprocate
his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that -
last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money,
but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card
and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "
Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
BangkokDean
Well-known member
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGvrmltfMrA[/ame]
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: About three
Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?
Man: About $5.00, including tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking
?
Man: 20 years or so
Woman: So beer costs $5.00 and you have three a day which puts your spending each month at about $450.00. In a year that would be $5400.00. Is that correct?
Man: Correct
Women: If in one year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000. Correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you realize that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after compounded interest for the past 20 years you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No I do not
Man: Where is your airplane?
BangkokDean
Well-known member
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Random Thoughts of a Senior Citizen
Just sharing some thoughts meandering in my senior mind.....
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This
is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Just sharing some thoughts meandering in my senior mind.....
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This
is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Snotty Receptionist
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOU NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOU NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
SuperBuickGuy
Well-known member
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man
seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a l'il lower down on your leg.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the
piano, he's gonna' shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man
seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a l'il lower down on your leg.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the
piano, he's gonna' shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKL9b5-DL4A[/ame]
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely ‘race’ related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's no good at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely ‘race’ related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's no good at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A woman and her
12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”
12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
This is funny….Read ON!
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town:
a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic
church and a synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with
squirrels. The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t
interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church
the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively
how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their
squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the
squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now
they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and
circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since!
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town:
a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic
church and a synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with
squirrels. The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t
interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church
the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively
how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their
squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the
squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now
they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and
circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.' But the girl said 'NO'.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management Lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.' But the girl said 'NO'.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management Lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.
