Official joke of the day thread

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

______________________________ _______

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
 
During a commercial airline flight a Naval aviator was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The aviator pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Sailor fashion exclaimed... And all these years I've been chewing gum.:twitch:
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
 
A Short Story about Duffy & The Blonde



Duffy, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Duffy and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Duffy says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Duffy placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Duffy, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Duffy replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Duffy took the money...
 
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

“A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
 
Two guys were fishing down by the Murray River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think I'm stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
------------------------------ -------------------

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!

------------------------------ -------------------

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

------------------------------ -------------------

Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man".

------------------------------ -------------------

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says, "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything, Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!”

------------------------------ -------------------

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally, the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

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TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
------------------------------ -------------------


I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly," she said, "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit it.

------------------------------ -------------------

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

------------------------------ -------------------

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

------------------------------ -------------------

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

------------------------------ -------------------

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

------------------------------ -------------------

The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

------------------------------ -------------------

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they
couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem
but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker,
light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me
with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zeland.

------------------------------ -------------------

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
 
The New 2018 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
 

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THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T TRUST SENIOR CITIZENS
The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the
Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them
both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a Senior Citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the
floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked,
"Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in
his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God!
That's such a relief! My Doctor told me to get a Pharmacist to test my
urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care though, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!
 
Jewish, Italian and Irish Parents



JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

"So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry, Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So, Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."


AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON ...

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Lee Trevino:
Why I Mow My Own Yard

(A true story; you got to love him.)

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional
golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
 
THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER.

You don't need to be a Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story.

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never be late...
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She didn't say a thing.....just paid the bill !!!!!!
 
WE ALL GET OLD IN THE END .....

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today -- that makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning .

Old age has come at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a 'small vacation'.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I am a Seenager (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew.
. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And, I don’t have acne.:friends:
 
You know you are a Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the
local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”
 
She was a Marine

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.


"Janie, do you have a story to share?"


'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"


"Don't F...k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!
 
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
 
Subject: Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over



ten long years, see's an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship"



he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out



the possibilities of it being a small boat or a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf



comes a drop dead gorgeous blond wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches



the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long its been since you've had a cigarette?"



"Ten years" the Irishman replies.



With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.



He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and say that was long overdue.



And how long has it been since you had some good Irish whiskey? She ask him.



Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years"



So she unzips her right sleeve pocket and pulls out a flask and hands it to him.



He takes a long swig and says, This is absolutely fantastic!



At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front



of her wet suit, looks at the man and ask" and how long has it been since you've played around?



With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, Whew baby!" Don't tell me you've got



golf clubs in there too."
 
I went to a doctor because I was having severe problems with my sex life.

The doctor asked a lot of questions but didn't seem to appear to be getting

a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your

girlfriends face while having sex?"

Well, yes, I did once."

Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy..... She looked VERY angry!"

At this point the doctor felt he was really getting somewhere and said, we must

look into this further, this is quite interesting.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend face once during sex;

That seems unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching her sister and me through the window."
 
Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that, as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is ... impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive-By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. The sick bastard!!!

The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked . You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed

Pregnant Prostitute…Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart.
 
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