Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
But apparently, you're only gay if you "take it". To be the "giver" is quite normal and ok... :rofl:
JPhil
Huh?
One day long, long ago, there was a woman who did not bitch, whine, complain or nag.
But that was long, long ago and it was just that one day.
But that was long, long ago and it was just that one day.
Douglas Mariani
Well-known member
One day?....One WHOLE day??........Sorry but I don't believe it.
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
Maybe she was texting instead?
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Wife just caught this on TV local news this AM....
We all know what a doughnut hole is....ball of doughnut dough about a inch diameter sugar.....
well seems some fast food chain is coming out with Biscuit holes....
so they do a taste test on a two platters marked A and B.....
so the taster sez, 'The B hole is definitely better than the A hole.''''.....:hissyfit:
We all know what a doughnut hole is....ball of doughnut dough about a inch diameter sugar.....
well seems some fast food chain is coming out with Biscuit holes....
so they do a taste test on a two platters marked A and B.....
so the taster sez, 'The B hole is definitely better than the A hole.''''.....:hissyfit:
Apparently the board members of Arcelor-Mittal Steel Co. were feeling it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO.
The hard nosed new boss was determined to rid the company of any and all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week.. Why?"
The CEO told him, "Wait right here." He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
To make sure that everyone got the message, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Delivered pizza from Domino's"
The hard nosed new boss was determined to rid the company of any and all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week.. Why?"
The CEO told him, "Wait right here." He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
To make sure that everyone got the message, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Delivered pizza from Domino's"
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room..
In it was George W.. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing wh she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . .
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room..
In it was George W.. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing wh she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . .
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Slice.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink..
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink..
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
DeeVeeEight
Fast Pedalphile
The post man
A post man was making his regular deliveries, when he approached one of his stops the lady of the house stood in the doorway in some lingerie and crooked her finger at him in a "come here" gesture, so he went to the front door. Now she was at the foot of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so he went to the bottom of the stairs. By this time she was at the top of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so up he went. Now she is at the bedroom door, still inviting him in so he follows her into the bedroom. Now she is in the bed and invites him in, so he complies, they do the nasty and when they are done she rolls over and reaches for the night table, picks up a dollar and hands it to him.
What's this for? he asks.
She replies "When I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas he said "Fuck 'em, give 'em a dollar!"
A post man was making his regular deliveries, when he approached one of his stops the lady of the house stood in the doorway in some lingerie and crooked her finger at him in a "come here" gesture, so he went to the front door. Now she was at the foot of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so he went to the bottom of the stairs. By this time she was at the top of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so up he went. Now she is at the bedroom door, still inviting him in so he follows her into the bedroom. Now she is in the bed and invites him in, so he complies, they do the nasty and when they are done she rolls over and reaches for the night table, picks up a dollar and hands it to him.
What's this for? he asks.
She replies "When I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas he said "Fuck 'em, give 'em a dollar!"
DeeVeeEight
Fast Pedalphile
Three guys, a white guy, a black guy and a Spanish guy are in a foxhole in Viet Nam when a shell comes down and kills them all. All three go to the pearly gates and ask St. Peter to let them in. St. Peter informs them that they must first go to hell and pass a test that Satan will give them, so they go to hell and sit in Satan's waiting room. Finally Satan comes out and says "I am going to give you a test. You will drop your pants and take your pecker out. I will grab your pecker with my hand of fire and if it melts you stay in hell".
First the white guy goes, he drops his pants, Satan grabs his pecker, the poor guy screams, his pecker melts and he goes to hell.
Second the Spanish guy goes with the same results.
Third is the black guy. He drops his pants and Satan grabs it with his hand of fire but nothing happens, so Satan turns up the heat and tries again but the results are the same. Now Satan is rather upset so he yells at the black guy "What is going on here!?!?" The black guy just laughs at Satan and says "Don't you know that the chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand?
First the white guy goes, he drops his pants, Satan grabs his pecker, the poor guy screams, his pecker melts and he goes to hell.
Second the Spanish guy goes with the same results.
Third is the black guy. He drops his pants and Satan grabs it with his hand of fire but nothing happens, so Satan turns up the heat and tries again but the results are the same. Now Satan is rather upset so he yells at the black guy "What is going on here!?!?" The black guy just laughs at Satan and says "Don't you know that the chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand?
A Fox News photographer on the run.
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is ... you're NOT my Flight instructor
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is ... you're NOT my Flight instructor
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Trying to outsmart a woman
Outsmart
a woman........Are
you kidding.....
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing..
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass,
and a few Pike.
He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the
answer.
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
The
wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle
box".
Never,
never, never
try to outsmart a woman!!!
:smash::surrender:
Outsmart
a woman........Are
you kidding.....
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing..
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass,
and a few Pike.
He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the
answer.
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
The
wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle
box".
Never,
never, never
try to outsmart a woman!!!
:smash::surrender:
MYBAD79
Moderator
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!
edited Sipping her drink, theedited single editedgirl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing20a leather coat.edited When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.edited He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"edited
Theedited engaged editedwoman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!edited When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.edited He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"edited
Theedited married edited woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.edited I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.edited I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.edited I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.edited I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
edited Sipping her drink, theedited single editedgirl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing20a leather coat.edited When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.edited He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"edited
Theedited engaged editedwoman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!edited When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.edited He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"edited
Theedited married edited woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.edited I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.edited I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.edited I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.edited I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
JPhil
Huh?
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened."
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened."
DeeVeeEight
Fast Pedalphile
There's this guy who has a really high squeaky voice. He likes going to the bars to pick up women but when they hear his voice they are turned off, so he goes and makes a doctors appointment to have his voice checked out.
At the doctors office he is led into an examination room, handed a paper gown and told to change into it for an exam. A few minutes later the doctor comes in and examines him and discovers that the guys dick hangs down past his knee. The doctor informs him that his dick, being so big and heavy, is pulling on his vocal chords and causing his voice to be abnormally high. After further discussion they agree that surgery to remove some of the excess is in order.
A few weeks after the operation the guy returns to the doctors office for a follow up exam. The doctor examines him and everything looks fine but the patient complains to the doctor that he can't quite satisfy the ladies like he used to.
The doctor replies in a high squeaky voice.....
SORRY ! A DEAL'S A DEAL ! ! ! :harhar:
At the doctors office he is led into an examination room, handed a paper gown and told to change into it for an exam. A few minutes later the doctor comes in and examines him and discovers that the guys dick hangs down past his knee. The doctor informs him that his dick, being so big and heavy, is pulling on his vocal chords and causing his voice to be abnormally high. After further discussion they agree that surgery to remove some of the excess is in order.
A few weeks after the operation the guy returns to the doctors office for a follow up exam. The doctor examines him and everything looks fine but the patient complains to the doctor that he can't quite satisfy the ladies like he used to.
The doctor replies in a high squeaky voice.....
SORRY ! A DEAL'S A DEAL ! ! ! :harhar:
DeeVeeEight
Fast Pedalphile
Sam and Sadie #1
There's this old man Sam and his wife of many decades Sadie. Sam has recovered recently from a heart attack and is actually feeling quite good so he asks Sadie what should it be OK if they make a little whoopie, what with him feeling so good and all. Sadie tells him NO, that if Sam should die of a heart attack or some other thing while they were making whoopie that she could never forgive herself. Sam pleads with Sadie and finally she says to him OK - Go to the doctor and get a note saying that it is OK for you to make whoopie, this way if anything should happen it's not my fault. So off Sam goes to the doctor and explains his predicament to him. The doctor writes Sam this note.
Dear Sadie,
It is my pleasure to inform you that Sam, since recovering from his heart attack, now has the stamina of a 27 year old and that making whoopie is good for him (and you too). Enjoy!
The doctor hands the note to Sam and asks him if it is OK. Sam looks at the doctor and says - Yes, but could you change one little thing for me? Where it says Dear Sadie, could you change it to - To whom it may concern.....?
There's this old man Sam and his wife of many decades Sadie. Sam has recovered recently from a heart attack and is actually feeling quite good so he asks Sadie what should it be OK if they make a little whoopie, what with him feeling so good and all. Sadie tells him NO, that if Sam should die of a heart attack or some other thing while they were making whoopie that she could never forgive herself. Sam pleads with Sadie and finally she says to him OK - Go to the doctor and get a note saying that it is OK for you to make whoopie, this way if anything should happen it's not my fault. So off Sam goes to the doctor and explains his predicament to him. The doctor writes Sam this note.
Dear Sadie,
It is my pleasure to inform you that Sam, since recovering from his heart attack, now has the stamina of a 27 year old and that making whoopie is good for him (and you too). Enjoy!
The doctor hands the note to Sam and asks him if it is OK. Sam looks at the doctor and says - Yes, but could you change one little thing for me? Where it says Dear Sadie, could you change it to - To whom it may concern.....?
