Official joke of the day thread

Sam and Sadie #2

Sam once again is feeling frisky. Sadie is watching TV in her night gown. Sam says to Sadie, "Sadie, I am thinking that it is time that we made whoopie again, please to lift up the night gown". Sadie, feeling rather put upon says "NO!" Sam again repeats his demand "Sadie - lift up the nightie!" Sadie again says "NO!" and heads off into the bathroom and locks the door. Now Sam starts pounding on the bathroom door and yells "Sadie, if you don't open this door I will break it down!" Sadie yells at Sam through the door "What are you, Superman? You can't even lift up a nightie, you're going to break down a door?!?!"





Yeah I know it's lame......
 
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes--------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store-- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!
 
EMPLOYMENT TEST QUESTION

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,?

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:?


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.?

2. An old friend who once saved your life.?

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.?


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there?

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue?

reading.?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part?

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is?

going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take?

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be?

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able?

to find your perfect mate again.?


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................?


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble?

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car?

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I?

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'?


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn?

thought limitations.?


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box..'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.?


God, I just love happy endings!??
 
big2bird said:
He simply answered: 'I would give the car?

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I?

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'?
Click to expand...


turn over the keys to my vette. Never. They can have their tellemarketing supervisors position. :lol:
 
turtlevette said:
turn over the keys to my vette. Never. They can have their tellemarketing supervisors position. :lol:
Click to expand...

Amen, brutha!

If they are waiting at a bus stop, then none of them are in a critical hurry.

I'd greet my old friend & give him my address & phone number, tell him to give me a call. Then I'd call 911 for the old lady if she wished, and drive off with the hot chick in my car. And my friend would have given me a grin & a wink as we drove off & left him in the rain, because that's what buddies do....

(And then I'd call my wife and tell her I'll be a little late tonight.....)
 
Last edited:
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Congress comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congress men lined up waiting for a free haircut!!!

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of congress.

Vote very carefully next year...!
 
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
 
js292 said:
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
Click to expand...

:lol::lol:
 
js292 said:
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
Click to expand...

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'
 
Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”
 
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked. That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou wrote on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied ... 'Your horse called.'
 
FEMA GENIE


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase...
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the geni e.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes..'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, an he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the co wboy says.... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
*** POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there 's going to be strings attached.




:clobbered::bounce:
 
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