Official joke of the day thread

David McClure of McKinney, TX: A senior moment ... at age 48?



David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing that anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was, waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially-eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later, I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, "No," I told the officer, "I'm not too old to be driving this fast."

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

---------------------------------------------



We all have Senior Moments. Yesterday I bought some 20K ohm resistors in an effort to diagnose a problem on Anna's Jeep. I walked out of her house and over to the Jeep, opened the door, then the hood, then walked into the garage to get the VOM meter. By the time I got back to the Jeep, the packet of resistors was gone! I searched the Jeep, under the hood, the garage, everywhere, but I couldn't find the damn things. Finally I checked my pockets....



The above from a buddy of mine.....
 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.


The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.


I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 
Divorce VS Murder -- priceless

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Atlanta airport.....

ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!



Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R



Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."





Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."



Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."



Pause...









Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"



Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."



Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."



Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "




:tomato::rofl:
 
TV guide

Muslim TV Schedule

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

10.00: The Apprentice.
Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.

11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidently burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.
 
Preface - to all of German and or Polish Descent, of which I am both, no offense intended...

What do you get when you cross a Nazi with a Polack?

Someone who wants to rule the world but doesn't know how.

OR

A CF Mod
 
New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence..
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place,
just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine,
you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun,
the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again..
34aa7d1fa650f3.jpg
 
The Telepathic Watch

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
 
Who said........

It was the first day of school in the USA for a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian who entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar , who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, in 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from20Chandrasekhar . "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed... Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. " General Custer , in 1862..."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, " George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in 1991.."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "BillClinton , to Monica Lewinsky , in 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, in 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"

AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."
 
> As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing
> Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving
> Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked:
>
> ?
>
> What In The World Are You Doing?'
>
> ?
>
> The Daughter Replied: 'mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing
> Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband! Please, Go Away And Leave Me
> Alone.'
>
> ?
>
> The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side
> Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter
> Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator.
>
> ?
>
> To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said, 'dad I'm Thirty-five,
> Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband.
> Please, Go A Way And Leave Me Alone.'
>
> ?
>
> ?
>
> A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On
> The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places,
> The Living Room.
>
> ?
>
> ?
>
> She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A
> Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv. The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch,
> Buzzing Like Crazy.
>
> ?
>
> ?
>
> The Wife Asked: 'what The Hell Are You Doing?'
>
> ?
>
> ?
>
> The Husband Replied: 'i'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law.'
>
 
Men have better friends than women

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home
one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew
about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come
home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a
friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of
them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still
there.
 
For all you boys from down under......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Aussie lawyer on vacation is walking along the strip in Las Vegas when a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand job."
The Aussie lawyer says, "$500 dollars! For a hand job! Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
The Aussie lawyer says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the Aussie lawyer is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says..."I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The Aussie lawyer, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decides to put off the new Audi for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Twenty minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show palaces?"
"Damn!" the Aussie lawyer says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
__________________
 
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