Official joke of the day thread

Health Care Plan A or B

Health Care Plan A or B

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ....... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health care plan."
 
Where hair???

OMG!!! THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!




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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the
waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,'
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair.. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is
not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm
going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up. I successful ly remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.......


:devil::devil::lol:
 
A Cape Breton farmer

A Cape Breton farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

S eamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?'
 
JPhil said:
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MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. Andjust think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you knowwhat a 'fressier' is& nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
Click to expand...


YEAH!!!!!!!!!! :drink:
 
Twin_Turbo said:
JPhil said:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. Andjust think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you knowwhat a 'fressier' is& nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
Click to expand...


YEAH!!!!!!!!!! :drink:
Click to expand...

Holy crap! That is funny, and right on the mark!
 
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!





TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Have a Great Day!








The above in a email from Red......


:beer:
 
Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little! uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
A guy is seeking to join the Australian Police force...
The Officer conducting the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Blimey - why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude!" says the Officer. "When can you start?"
 
A little boy

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark! "
 
The Economy Is So Bad that...

The Economy Is So Bad that...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama
administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM's stock.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus
Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup were there.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned
their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caughtsneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear
is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion
disappear.
 
A Jewish divorce.....

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!" :1st:
 
Stevie is on Twitter

2875926bstevie.jpg
 
Taking A Woman To Bed

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
>
>
> What is the difference between
>girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
>
>
>
> At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
>
>
>
>
> At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
>
>
>
>
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> At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
 
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