Official joke of the day thread

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 
A store that sells new husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:





Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:











Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.





'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:











Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.





'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.





She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:











Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.





'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'





Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:











Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:











Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.





PLEASE NOTE:





To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.











The first floor has wives that love sex.











The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.











The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
elevatordude said:
corn maze for blonds


blonds.png
Click to expand...

I'm a male with blond hair. Real blond hair, not light brown, blond. No peroxide required. Blue eyes. This posting is repugnant. I'm sure that females with blonde hair would say the same. Where did this blond stupidity thing start? I would suspect that on a statistical basis, blond hair people score a little bit above the mean intelligent IQ curve for people of North Western European ancestory.
 
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I'm a male with blond hair. Real blond hair, not light brown, blond. No peroxide required. Blue eyes. This posting is repugnant. I'm sure that females with blonde hair would say the same. Where did this blond stupidity thing start? I would suspect that on a statistical basis, blond hair people score a little bit above the mean intelligent IQ curve for people of North Western European ancestory.[/QUOTE]

Lighten up Francis :devil:
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrllCZw8jiM[/ame]
 
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68/70Vette said:
Where did this blond stupidity thing start?
Click to expand...
According to WikiAnswers
WikiAnswers said:
Actually, blonde jokes started because of one person.
Ever heard of Marilyn Monroe? She decided that in her life she would accomplish two things. She would become rich and famous.

And she did. She became famous from acting the ditsy blonde. Before her blondes weren't considered dumber than anyone else. This one person changed everything.
Click to expand...

68/70Vette said:
I would suspect that on a statistical basis, blond hair people score a little bit above the mean intelligent IQ curve for people of North Western European ancestory.
Click to expand...
Bit of a big statement there :bump:
WikiAnswers said:
There's no correlation between haircolor and intelligence. Blonde or brunette or redhead, you can be bright, normal, challenged...
Click to expand...


A drummer goes into a shop and asks the shopkeeper for 6 sets of #6A drum sticks, a 24" bass drum head, a new snare skin and an 18" crash cymbal.

The shopkeeper says "you're a drummer aren't you?"
Drummer says "yes, why do you ask?"
Shopkeeper says "because this is a fish & chip shop"
 
68/70Vette said:
elevatordude said:
corn maze for blonds


blonds.png
Click to expand...

I'm a male with blond hair. Real blond hair, not light brown, blond. No peroxide required. Blue eyes. This posting is repugnant. I'm sure that females with blonde hair would say the same. Where did this blond stupidity thing start? I would suspect that on a statistical basis, blond hair people score a little bit above the mean intelligent IQ curve for people of North Western European ancestory.
Click to expand...


I wish I could agree with you but everyone knows all blonds are dumb as fuck lol :)
 
Try a smart blonde joke then.:trumpet:
"What do you call a smart blonde?"



"A golden retriever." :harhar:
 
> After a long night of making love,
>
>
> the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by
> the bed.
>
> He begins to worry.
>
> 'Is this your husband?'
>
> he nervously asks.
>
>
>
> 'No, silly,'
>
> she replies, snuggling up to him.
>
>
>
> 'Your boyfriend, then?'
>
> He continues.
>
> 'No, not at all,'
>
> she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>
>
>
> 'Is it your dad or your brother?'
>
> he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
>
>
>
> 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
>
> she answers.
>
>
>
> 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
>
> he demands.
>
>
>
>
>she whispers in his ear
>
> 'That's me before the surgery.'
>
>
>
>
 
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Lexington, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know we is from Kentucky."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
 
MYBAD79 said:
214ae5a5bf3cb07.jpg
Click to expand...

This guy is only half stupid. Out here in the getto, the real style dogs wear their ball caps sideways. At least it fits backwards, even if it does look stupid, but sideways couldn't be comfortable, could it? Any stylish dudes care to enlighten us?
 
Man Test

Just for laughs unless you're offended.



MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah
diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it
grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch
except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed. And just think about
how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ
ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits.
Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet;
he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as
Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy
latte'. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man
there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different
types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be
handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his
brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're
gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim,
you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer or
scratch his nuts.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge of being a salami smuggler.:beer:
 
Brunette deodorant ...




I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.




I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!!



:gurney::crap::shocking:
 
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