Official joke of the day thread

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
 
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
A salesman knocks on the door of a house. When the door opens, he is greeted by a 10-year old boy smoking a cigar, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Penthouse magazine in the other.
A bit taken aback, the salesman says, "Good afternoon, sir. Are your mother or father at home?"
The boy looks at the salesman for a moment and replies, "What the fuck do you think?"
 
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that,
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Anthony slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year
old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any
Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like
some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ....
by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
 
this is funny

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'




The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't

shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.




Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.



russ :1st:
 
Fine tipe englush like me.....

> Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.
>
>
> >
>
>
> To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
>
> >
> If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends
> and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.
> ________________________________
>
>
>
> Only great minds can read this.
> This is weird, but interesting!
>
> fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
>
> Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
>
> i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
> The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
> Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
> wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer
> be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
> raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
> raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
> yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs
> forwrad it.
>
> FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
> Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line
>
>
>
>
>
:lol:
 
Darwin, meet Stella

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old
Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she
took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was
driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's
right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the
U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep
your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had
just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage
door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance
company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. !
There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked
for because=2 0the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching.....


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah! plus dental expenses. Go
figure.


Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven
on to the freeway, she se t the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The ! Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting
down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their
manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any
relatives who might also buy a motor home.
 
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and
asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

Well......you pay $10 and, if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are
the three tests?'

'You must pay first......those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - you
have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't
make a face while doing it.

'Second - there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

'Third - there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't
do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all
those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in
fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and
screaming sounds... Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some time in their life, contain intelligent DNA. Problem is, more than 95% will spit it out.
 
We had a new family move in beside us a few days ago. The kids are pretty cute and the just challenged me to a water fight.

Thought I'd log onto the forum while the kettle boils...
 
saudivette said:
We had a new family move in beside us a few days ago. The kids are pretty cute and the just challenged me to a water fight.

Thought I'd log onto the forum while the kettle boils...
Click to expand...

:amused:

Can't wait to use this one on my son next time he wants to get into a water balloon fight.
 
Are you a man?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. Andjust think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you knowwhat a 'fressier' is& nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
 
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