Official joke of the day thread

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The

students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to

do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.







Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and

correctly can leave early today."







Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta

here. I'm smart and will answer the question."







Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"







Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham

Lincoln."







Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."







Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.







Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"







Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther

King."







Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."







Johnny is even madder than before.





Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for

you'?"







Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.

Kennedy."







Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."







Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to

any of the questions.







When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these

bitches would keep their mouths shut!"







The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"







Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
 
It happens to all of us...

You're driving along

just minding your own business,

when all of a sudden -

without any warning,

This Dick In A Truck

pulls out right in front of you













snowdick.jpg


Happy Winter Driving Season!!!

Please Be Careful Out There

and Stay Safe Cause

They're Everywhere!!!
 
Santa in Michigan

Looks lilke Santa parked his sleigh on a Michigan rooftop for a little too long.

MISanta.jpg
 
OH well, long as we not being PC.....

Night afo' Crizzmus

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat Obama gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was layin' on DA flo',
my sister wif her gurlfriend, my brother wif some ho.
Ashtrays was all full, empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da window and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Lawd look 'a dat!"
Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by eight big-ass rats.

Now ovah da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Pelosi and Hillary Who,
On Fannie, On Freddie, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sheet?

Dat Santy didn't need no chimley, he picked da lock on my do',
an I sez to myself, "Son o' b.......he don did dis befo!"
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun' my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my shit in his bag, out da windo' he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, but he snagged my blade too!

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, da democrat sonofabitch.
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit!

:shocking::rofl::beer::tomato:
 
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
 
Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife.

Mustang forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court.

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

SRT Forums
- - - Will this void my warranty?

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - - Head too big to fit in car. Should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacky juice stains off the side of mah truck?

Expedition forum
- - - I parked in my garage and now I can't open the doors to my truck, can someone rescue me?

Dodge Ram forum
- - - Am I the only one without "rams head" taillight covers?

Volvo forum
- - - My husband still wears his sweater tied around his neck at soccer games, is this wrong?

Chevy Trucks forum
- - - It aint going into fifth! What in tarnations is wrong? Hell, I aint got all day! Com'on niow ya'll shoot me a holler. Gotta git those darn cows rounded up

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Forums are down due to server fire.

Ford forum:
- - - Anybody know where I can find a good mechanic?

Honda Integra Type R forum
- - - I dont think my tailpipe is loud enough, only half of my neighborhood wakes up when i drive at night, what should i do??

Ford 2.3 forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!
 
TT, good ones!!! even little ole' LINDA understood most of them....


she used to do accounting/book keeping at a car dealership...

:bounce::thumbs:
 
Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting addressed "To God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna




The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office
Sincerely, Edna
 
Miss Johnson asked her 3rd grade class to tell her some of the sounds they heard on their field trip to a farm yesterday.
Sarah raised her hand and said "I heard a cow moo'.
Michael said he heard a pig grunt.
Emily said "I heard a sheep go baa".
Little Johnny was waving his hand furiously, so she asked him "What did you hear at the farm"?





"Get off the tractor you little shit!"
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
 
>FOR THE LOVE OF HUNTING......>> >>Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.>>>Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down>and>tells him he isn't going.>>Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.>>Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank>sitting>there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the>fire.>>"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into>letting you go?">>"Well, I've been here since
yesterday.>>Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind>me>and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'">>I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through>nightie.>>She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and>rose>pedals all over.>>On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!>>She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.>>And then she said, "Do what ever you want.">>So, Here I am. >>
 
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
>
> in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
>
> In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
> turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
>
> out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
>
> He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
> worried and decided to go to the hospital.
>
> As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
> date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
> could get the peanut out.
>
> The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
>
> When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
> daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
> nothing.
>
> Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
> wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
> older?'
>
> The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
>
 
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