Official joke of the day thread

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him..



She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took the frozen crabs home and ate them.
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most people think.
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.'
 
Illegal sex......

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."


She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"


So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." :lol::smash:
 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee.
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other..
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.
 
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”



She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick…“
 
The IOC stunned the world this morning when they awarded U.S. President Barack Obama
a gold medal for Men’s Skiing. Even though he's never skied before an IOC spokesman said “Barack
Obama is going downhill faster than anyone else this year so is very deserving of the medal.” :smash:
 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...

Couldn't walk for a year....
 
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
 
On a rainy day....


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope....... Just when it's raining!"
 
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .



Today you voted."
 
How To Call The Police When You're Old And Don't Move Fast Anymore.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.
 
A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush." The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
"Why yes, eet is," she replied. "In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre's moustache---eet's also gone!":D
 
I went down this morning to sign my dog up for welfare.
At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first check on Friday.
 
The Little boy and the Preist

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.



The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'



The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'



The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'



The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
 
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