Official joke of the day thread

Morning sex

Morning Sex


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
Viagra ingredients revealed

Ingredients in Viagra

I knew it...... I just knew it! I knew they would
eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
 
After retiring,
I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said,
"Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home,
I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said,
"You should have dropped your pants,
you might have gotten disability, too."
 
NO Bullshit......

First-year students at Texas A &
M's Vet school were attending their
first anatomy class, with a
real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the
class by telling them, "In Veterinary
Medicine, it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the animal
body." For an example,
the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the
dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in
his mouth. "Go ahead and do
the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out,
hesitated for several minutes but eventually
took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it. When everyone finished,
the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my
index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher
if you're stupid."





:nuts::crap::banned:
 
The Absolute Best Little Johnnie Joke

Little Johnnies neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnies family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnnies dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.



Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great",said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"
 
The Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating... Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

> Broken Coffee Table $239.99
> Hot Breakfast $4.20
> Two Aspirins $.38
> Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

> PRICELESS
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”


"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."


The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."


The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, " Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane, instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys; helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
 
The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service

The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had
a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured
alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest
Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a
couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand
our problem here", "These coyotes ain't fukin' our sheep - they're
eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room.
The meeting never really got back on track.
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
At a bar...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
 
New Arizona Color CHart

Arizona-Law.jpg
 
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet

tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications: won't beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
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