Official joke of the day thread

Lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point and was totally embarrassed.

The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?"



..........so I shouted out my answer, and was asked to leave

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa .............
 
Weekend Assignment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!"

Then I would say,"It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
 
The Frank Feldman Story

THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it's about to go by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. Hey! You're just like Frank!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There's always a few clouds over everybody..."

Cabbie: "Nope! Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano! He was truly an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then..."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, but a couple years ago, I married his fucking widow."
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
Mexican Navy Seal......

Super secret fighting force.......
 

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
 
A black haired women goes to the doctor.
-Doctor, I'm suffering from every single parts of my body. When I touch my nose, it hurts, when I touch my stomach, it hurt, when I touch my knees, it hurts... it hurts everywhere.
The doctor says:
-Tell me the truth, you dyed you hairs, right?
-How did you know?
-You got a broken finger.
 
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
 
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

> Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
>
>
> The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
>and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature
>in Detroit was 97 degrees.
> The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
>sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there
>with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
> Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused
>and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
> They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
>turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
>
> The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
>where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
>
> The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
>they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,'on the
>dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now
>old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way
>he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
> They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally
>agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
> And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi,
>and Max -- on the controls.
>


:clap::clap:
 
Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi always walked barefoot and ultimately the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath. VERY bad breath.

In fact, in time he came to be known as "a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
 
starting a new business

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats...... Apparently prophets are going through the roof, and business is booming
 
Geoff Coenen said:
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats...... Apparently prophets are going through the roof, and business is booming
Click to expand...

Oy, such a business, can't beat the turnover either....:drink:
 
Golf story....

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
>
>As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
>
>The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
>
>The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
>The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."



:lol::D
 
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
>blonde was using the following password:
>
>" MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
>
>When asked why she had such a long password, she said
>she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
>long and include at least one capital.




:1st::bonkers::noob:
 
3 good arguments....
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -

Three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

:D
 
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.

"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

:bounce::devil:
 
Free Trip

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.
 
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