Official joke of the day thread

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.



He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again. However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"



Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."



"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.



"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."



The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. Was it a long time ago?"



"Yes, many years."



The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Please forgive me but, I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 
Aussie Humor

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
 
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied
 
Truths For Mature Adults

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.



After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'



The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'



The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'



The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer
 
A retired Marine is stopped by the police around 1 AM And is asked where he is going at this time of night

The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,“My wife.”
 
I went to the doctor the other day for my six month check up and found out that the VA had assigned me a new doctor. A female.....and young……and drop-dead gorgeous! There's just no way she'll ever get a 'resting' heart rate from me, as long as she's the one doing the checking.

Anyway........I think she could tell that I was a little nervous about having a woman doctor.

So she said, "Don't worry, I'm a true professional and I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll check it out."

I said, "Well.....I've been told that my pecker tastes funny."
 
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie
score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown,
tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's
got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
 
Subject: HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots

2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine

4) Leave a note on your door that reads:


Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
 
The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
 
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the

door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an

old green John Deere.



Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first

the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his

shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall

down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt . Then, grabbing

both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt

underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and

hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.



Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,

Billy Bob?"



"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously

embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in

the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to

a tractor'."
 
Thought I'd better warn you.

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes."

Turns out it's about golf.



Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------








Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are unable to decipher this one.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing..







What are they both thinking?








And the answer is...









































Don't look down!!
 
You've all heard by now that Gerry Rafferty died a few weeks ago but I'll bet you aren't aware of the final burial arrangements.

He was buried between Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger - clown to the left, joker to the right...
 
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I
have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll go to Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle
Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we
look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Texas and show them
how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living
there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Tyler ,
Texas . With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the
bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and
Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are," said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were
passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon and started chatting up a storm with
anyone who would listen.

A grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail
and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few
moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog,
lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail,
and left looking puzzled.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look
under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them there
was a Labrador in here with two assholes!"
 
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