Official joke of the day thread

Playing Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it" he tells his wife.. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has
got so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
Can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she
says "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."




"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three.
He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three" says the wife "but his eyesight is
perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down
the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did !" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember... "
 
Little Kenny

On Math.....

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot
one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Kenny.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away at the sound of the gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU, Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone. The third is taking bites out of the top of the ice cream......
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

On Math (Part 2).....

Little Kenny returns frtom school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic. 'Why?' asked
his father.

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 times 3', so I said six', replies Kenny. 'But
that's correct', says his father. 'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is
3 times 2?'.

'What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said,' replies Kenny.

On English.....

Little Kenny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Kenny says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Kenny, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Kenny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'

On Grammar.....

Little Kenny was sitting in the class one day . All of a sudden , he needed to go
to the bathroom .. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Kenny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word
'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Kenny thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight', but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!'


On Grammar (Part 2).....

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it
turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Kenny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said, 'Beautiful, just f*ckin' beautiful'

On Getting Older.....

Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating
all that candy isn't good for you... It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.
 
Internet Warning!

Internet Warning!


If you get an email titled "Nude Photo of Nancy Pelosi,"

Don't Open It . . . . . . .









It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.




.
 
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan **** yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan **** yourself!”?

Re posted from anothe site. I almost fell out of my chair!!!
 
An old prospector....

An old prospector....
....shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to.

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid
 
Million Masturbator March

Delaware Masturbators March Against O’Donnel

Posted on Sep 19, 2010
by Andy Borowitz

WILMINGTON—Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation,” the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks. Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the “wank and file” of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution. “Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said. “And you know what individualists like to do.”

Farger said that O’Donnell’s anti-whacking position was “ill-timed,” adding, “In this economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford.”

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Del., said she is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?”

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterward.”


© 2010 Creators Syndicate
 
THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
 
Why I'm divorced.........

> Why I'm divorced.........
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking
> up on that morning..
>
> I went downstairs for breakfast
> hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
> 'Happy Birthday!',
> and possibly have a small present for me.
>
> As it turned out,
> she barely said good morning,
> let alone
> ' Happy Birthday.'
>
> I thought....
>
> Well, that's marriage for you,
> but the kids....
> They will remember.
>
> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
> and didn't say a word..
> So when I left for the office,
> I felt pretty low
> and somewhat despondent.
>
> As I walked into my office,
> my secretary Jane said,
> 'Good Morning Boss,
> and by the way
> Happy Birthday ! '
> It felt a little better
> that at least someone had remembered.
>
> I worked until one o'clock ,
> when Jane knocked on my door
> and said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day outside,
> and it is your Birthday,
> what do you say we go out to lunch,
> just you and me..'
> I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
> that's the greatest thing
> I've heard all day.
> Let's go !'
>
> We went to lunch.
> But we didn't go
> where we normally would go.
> She chose instead at a quiet bistro
> with a private table.
> We had two martinis each
> and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>
> On the way back to the office,
> Jane said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day...
> We don't need to go straight back to the office,
> Do We ?'
>
> I responded,
> 'I guess not.
> What do you have in mind ?'
> She said,
> 'Let's drop by my apartment,
> it's just around the corner..'
>
> After arriving at her apartment,
> Jane turned to me and said,
>
> ' Boss, if you don't mind,
> I'm going to step into the bedroom
> for just a moment.
> I'll be right back.'
> 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
>
> She went into the bedroom and,
> after a couple of minutes,
> she came out
> carrying a huge birthday cake ...
> Followed
> by my wife,
> my kids,
> and dozens of my friends
> and co-workers,
> all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
>
>
> And I just sat there....
>
> On the couch....
>
> Naked...
 
The Itch

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!


:clap::crap::suicide:
 
WTF Ha Ha

Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

Here are the winners.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8.. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.





The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that after death the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
Black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose; still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the sheets.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask. With an unusually contented smile, he says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen to me very, very closely."


"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?
 
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Betty.


They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.



After several years of casual sex, all the time, Betty felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.







She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.






It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.





Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


















So, they buried Betty.
 
Polish Sausage


Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.'
'But let me ask you something.' 'If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'

'Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

'Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'



'Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'



The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't have.'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well, then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it got closer, it
stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that ****** idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
 
A husband and his pregnant wife head off to the evenings lamaze class, the instructor notes how great it is to see so many husbands have joined their wives this evening. The instuctor goes on to talk about different excersises the woman could do to help stay in shape during her pregancy. One of those excersises is to go out for walks and a great way for the husbands to show support is to go with thie wife. Slowly at the back of the class a husband raises his hand. Yes asks the instructor to which the expecting father responses " Is it ok for her to carry a golf bag while we're out walking?"
 
What does a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?









They are both eventually laid by a Mexican.:push:
 
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