Official joke of the day thread

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
 
Bob Hope doesn't like...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM&feature=related[/ame]
 

A man goes into bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."​
 
A WV State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles East of Lewisburg, West Virginia.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show with the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the
door, asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there
ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.'
 
The hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said .''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
 
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left
a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said; "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS....




The blonde said; "No, just up to my boobs.
I can splash it on my eyes."
 
(This is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and that he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and telephone his mother to ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said.
“I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. “

:smash::thumbs::devil:
 
The Pope and President Obama were seated next to each other at a world wide televised event and the Pope leaned over to Obama and told him "With one stroke of my hand, I can have millions of people jump out of their chairs screaming with delight and admiration for me.
"I'd have to see that to believe it" said Obama.
The Pope backed handed him and proved his point!
 
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and a cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
 
I saw my 87 year old neighbor the other day and he commensed to tell me how horrible his wife had become. He said the only thing that they still enjoyed together was oral sex. Wow, probably more information than I need to know, but still got me to wondering.
Turns out, his idea of oral sex was them standing on oposite sides of a room and yelling.......



F--k you! No, F--k you. NO, f--k you! etc.
 
Beagle 1 said:
I saw my 87 year old neighbor the other day and he commensed to tell me how horrible his wife had become. He said the only thing that they still enjoyed together was oral sex. Wow, probably more information than I need to know, but still got me to wondering.
Turns out, his idea of oral sex was them standing on oposite sides of a room and yelling.......



F--k you! No, F--k you. NO, f--k you! etc.
Click to expand...

Around these parts that is called hallway sex, as in when you pass the other in the hallway that is the responce
 
Bubba and Billy Joe were walking down a farm road and spied a goat with his head stuck in a fence. Faster than a speeding bullet, Bubba runs up behind the goat and has his way with it. As he's backing away from the goat, Billy Joe asks if he could have some of that.
"Hell yes, go ahead".



So Billy Joe ran up and stuck his head in the fence.
 
Old Irish Man

OLD IRISH MAN
An Irish Man sitting in the pub with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking ?"

He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."
 
Should a child witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

edited edited edited Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank him again!"
 
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
 
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.



Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?



Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?



Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?



Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good heavens," said the horrified teacher.
'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
 
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