Official joke of the day thread

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner

for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man

behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and

a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,



"Not a fucking thing!"
 
BBShark said:
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner

for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man

behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and

a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,



"Not a fucking thing!"
Click to expand...

:smash::smash::thumbs:
 
The Jewish Divorce...

The Jewish Divorce...
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman
thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet
is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a
divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire
prick!"
 
Sex after death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Barb..........Barb" "Is that you, Kris?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Kris, are you in Heaven?"



No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas ." :crap:
 
Permits required

A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examination room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned me down." ******************************************************************* ( What goes around, comes around. GOD BLESS AMERICA ! )
 
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.




Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.




The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.




A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."




Love,

Grandma
 
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
 
Close call; that could of been me.
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a car load of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!


"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"... so I went and got a
Commercial driver's license.
 
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!!"
 
Amazing Translated

At a social get together, a man was attracted to an attractive and vivacious young lady. He wanted to strike up a conversation with her so he walked near to her and listened to her conversations with others. He noticed she used the word "amazing" quite a bit. So as a conversational opener, he said "I notice that you use the word "amazing" frequently." She said, yes, it's a manner of speech I learned in charm school. Well, said the man, what word did you use before you went to charm school? She replied, before charm school, I used to say bullshit.
 
Bananas

Background: My law school professor in Torts was Gert Hirschberg. As a young boy, Gert and his family escaped Germany before WWII to come to the US. "Cause and Effect" is a substantial part of this course. Here's Gert's Cause and Effect story. I can't do it the justice Gert told in the telling since he had a strong yiddish accent. I think this story sounds best with a yiddish accent. This takes place before WWII.

Two elderly jewish men, Levi and Moshe, decide to take the train from their country village and visit the big city, Berlin. Exploring the sights of the big city, they visit a grocery store and find bananas. They had never seen bananas before. They both buy bananas to take home to sample with their wives. On the train trip back, Moshe decides to try one of the bananas. In the train compartment, Levi watches as Moshe peals the banana according to his instructions. Moshe then takes a bite of the banana. DARKNESS. At the time Moshe bite his banana the train went into a tunnel. When the train exited the tunnel, Moshe was straddled in his seat, with his eyes wide opened, and the un-eated part of the banana had been tossed on the floor. Levi excitedly asks, Moshe..how was the banana? Moshe replied, when you bite it and chew it, it has a beautiful sweet flavor, but when you swallow it , it makes you go blind!
 
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An old married couple was at home watching TV...
...The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said...

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
:smash::surrender:
 
The last guy deserves a raise.....

These are too funny!!



HELLO, OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ..'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The
ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
The Magician - very funny


A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....





"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"



:rofl:
 
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

"And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................
 
Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
 
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