Official joke of the day thread

The Drunk...
A drunk gets up from the bar stool and heads
for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender knocks on the bathroom door and says, "What's all the
screaming about in there, you're scaring the hell out of the
customers!"

"It's your toilet," slurs the drunk, " every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"
Bartender peeks inside and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!" :rofl::sos:
 
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.


"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best B.J. I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.






If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...:club:
 
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Michelle Obama & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jack son & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

and the Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

THE THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry

A PILOT'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE - SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
By the MINNESOTA VIKINGS

AND, JUST ADDED.....
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi

And the shortest book of all...

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
 
A blond & brunette notice a man with dandruff. The brunette asks,"Should we give him some head & shoulders?" The blond says ,"yeah, okay, But Wait! How do you give shoulders?"
 
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.

"Walter" , responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter"?

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question"?

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve"?

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fuck happened to Walter ?"
 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers.
COSTELLO: What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
 
Golf joke
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.


Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and said,

'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet are too far apart.' :eek:
 
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife, Pat, yesterday and said, "44 years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

She is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Isn’t she great? She really knows how to solve my problems.
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning!

***​

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Angela.

***​

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face.

***​

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

***​

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
 
Boudreaux and Thibodaux
Setting...Louisiana

Boudreaux: "Thibodaux, I think I'm a gonna go back to de school".
Thibodaux: "Whatcha gonna take Boudreaux"??
Boudreaux: "Don't a know, gonna talk to them and see".

So, Boudreaux goes to see the placement counselour at Baton Rouge community college.

Boudreaux: "So what do I need to take to to start back to school Mrs. Counselour"??

Counselour: "Well, we're gonna start you out with readin' writin', rithmatic, and logic".

Boudreaux: "I understand everything but Logic, what be that logic"??

Counselour: "Well, let me explain logic this way. Boudreaux, do you have a weed whacker"?

Boudreaux: "Why yes I do"

Counselour: "Well, using logic, I can come to the conclusion that you have a yard"

Boudreaux: "Amazing, why yes I do"!

Counselour: "Also, by using logic, since you have a yard, I can come to the conclusion that you have a house".

Boudreaux: "Amazing, why yes I do have a house".

Counselour: "Since you have a house I can also conclude that you have a wife and kids that live with you in the house".

Boudreaux: "Yes Mrs. Counselour, I do have a wife and kids, this logic is amazing".

Counselour: "Finally, by using logic, since you have a yard, a house in that yard and a wife and kids, I can conclude that you are heterosexual".

Boudreaux: "This logic be amazing stuff, that is correct, I am a heterosexual".

Boudreaux signs up for all of his classes and goes back to tell his friend Thibodaux all about his experience.

Boudreaux: "Well Thibodaux, I did it, I signed up for classes today".

Thibodaux: "Whatcha gonna take there Boudreaux"?????

Boudreaux: "I'm gonna take readin', writin', rithmatic, and logic".

Thibodeaux: "I understand everything but de logic, what be de logic"???

Boudreaux: "Well, let me ask you a question. Do you have a weed whacker"???

Thibodeaux: "Nope, I shore don't"

Boudreaux: "You're a fcukin queer"!!!!!
 
[Sixty Years of Math in America

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The cashier took my $2.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's o.k.)

6. Teaching Math In 2010s

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?]
 
today:

a logger sells a truck of lumber for $100. It cost him $80. he also paid $10 in gas taxes, $5 in tolls, $15 for a commercial license, $12 in 'protection' money, had to buy $40 in safety gear he'll use once, and lunch was $5, but he got a $25 parking ticket while he ate.

in what sane world would he do this twice?
 
mrvette said:
today:

a logger sells a truck of lumber for $100. It cost him $80. he also paid $10 in gas taxes, $5 in tolls, $15 for a commercial license, $12 in 'protection' money, had to buy $40 in safety gear he'll use once, and lunch was $5, but he got a $25 parking ticket while he ate.

in what sane world would he do this twice?
Click to expand...

Lmao! That's funny!
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever lying there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.​
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.



Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.



The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes,and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'



The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
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