Official joke of the day thread

Royal Wedding

A glimpse into the future April 29 , 2011....

On the day of the Royal wedding, Kate was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Drama!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Kate for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Kate's feet were hurting real bad.

When she and William withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard William say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard William say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last William said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor
 
Worldwide Threat Alerts in 2011

New Terror Alert Levels Announced

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

(by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person)
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is amazing. Try it.



MOVIE QUIZ............

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below until you have done the math!
Ok, just humor me and do it!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most.
It really works! .....
For MOST of us anyway!

Movie Test:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below






Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire


Now, ain't that something..?
__________________
 
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson,
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop waiting room.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired the damage,
and then put them back in, and when I close it up, it will work just like new.
So how come I make $30,000 a year and you make $1,030,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic . . .
'Try doing it with the engine running'
 
Man Killed on Golf Course

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 ft. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.


Then she hacks it another 10 ft. and finally hacks it another 5 ft.


She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically:


"I guess all those fu@king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."


One of the men responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."


He never even had a chance.


He was only 43.
 
The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.
 
The Old Coot....

The Old Coot
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's balls?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
 
Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.
 
After getting nailed by the SEAL Team, Osama made his way
to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches
Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed
the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"
He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of
Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the
same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate
where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination,
he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
 
Wal-Mart greeter

Not my joke, just passing it on:

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded
and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"




"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"
 
Finkelstein and Jesus.....
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really
needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the
Tailor.

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein
prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was
finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no
charge!

However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon,
perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by
Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his

Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he
happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of
people waiting
for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as
Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done
for my business!


Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus.

"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein & Jesus.

After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and
they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days
later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

Lord and Taylor
 
Phys Ed......

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer at the gym he went to, "I want to impress a beautiful lady I recently met. Which machine should I use?






"The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine in the lobby."
 
The Aussie Housewife...
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped
on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or
backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to
the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't
do it,"
Wayne said, "So let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Wayne ..

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."
 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun and...
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee.
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other..
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.:shocking::beer:
 
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name something commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
__________________
 
Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else
there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '
 
My Grandson

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall...

[He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my Grandpa." The guard asked "What's his name?" "Grandpa." he replied. The guard just smiled and asked, "Whats he like?". The little tyke thought for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits"]
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top