Official joke of the day thread

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.':lol:
 
'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.


'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.



AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this
week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.:suicide:
 
A woman's trip to gyno! (clean joke)
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”Never going back to that doctor again……….. never
 
Subject: Not Politically Correct Humor.....

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
__________________________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
__________________________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
__________________________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
__________________________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
__________________________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
___________________________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
___________________________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
___________________________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.
___________________________________________________________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
___________________________________________________________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
'Are you in?'
___________________________________________________________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
'Honey, I'm home!'
 
THE WIFE FROM HELL



A police officer pulls
over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour ,
sir ."





The driver says, "Gee,
officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."





Not looking up from her
knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control"




As the officer writes out the
ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"




The wife smiles demurely and
says, "Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher."




As the officer makes out the
second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth,



"Woman, can't you keep
your mouth shut?"





The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine. '





The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '





The wife says, "Now,
dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."





And as the police officer is
writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and
barks, ' WILL YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP?? '





The officer looks over at the
woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "




(I love this part)




"Only when he's been
drinking."
 
Mom
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.S...he had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of ten Iraqi troops. She shot six of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed three more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

''Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?”

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking." :mobeer:
 
Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the --s. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
 
A couple of SUNDAY chuckles.........
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

* * * *

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "OK, What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Football, beer and women with big boobs."

* * * *

A guy got off work around 8pm and started for home. He stopped off at the local pub to have a beer or two and the next thing ya know, the bar was closing at 2am. Being quite intoxicated, he headed for home once again when he got a flat tire.

Digging throught the trunk, he found his spare but could not find his jack. He started walking when he came across a car along the road with the windows steamed up and rocking severely. He asked the guy inside the car if he could borrow his jack for a few minutes cause he had this flat tire down the road a piece.

The gentleman in the car told him that he had a better deal than that. He said, "How about you take over for me in here and I'll get my jack and go change your tire for you"

Seeing this as the opportunity of a lifetime, he agreed.

Next thing you know, the whole car lit up and there was a cop outside. The cop said, "What is going on here?"

The guy said, "I'm just making love with my wife"

The cop said, "Shouldn't you be doing that at home?"

The guy replied, "To tell you the truth officer, I didn't know it WAS my wife until you shined that light in her face.

***

The Golfer and the Lion


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous

blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out

first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's

cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge

her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat

revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his

tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for

several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like

that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

:jester***

(bet you thought that golf was going to be important huh?) :p:pprrtt:
 
REDNECK FIRE ALARM


You never have to change the batteries!!!

I'm putting one in every room!


Safety First! .
 
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What will a robber do next for a high.

What do you think about this one...not sure its true but.
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA : (You just can't make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts. --
 
Amazing, Simple Home Remedies‏

THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
Many years ago on a long BOAC flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he
explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next
one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor
and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was
responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the
first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."
 
Food for thought.

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When
we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test
the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a
new wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are
here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
 
Old one I know but still good........

A Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation: "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible
lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family".

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression". Again, all
was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets".

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.
 
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
 
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